College So Far

From the daughter of a narc mother.

Coming to college had been the end goal to everything I did in high school. In junior and senior year, that goal solidified as my GPA and SAT/ACT test scores took shape. The frustration and oppression at home became fuel that drove me to choose an all-AP schedule senior year because God forbid if I lost momentum my final year and I can’t get sufficiently far from home. I buried myself in my coursework. So, like that, I ran on empty fuel for a year. Now, well into my first two months of freshmen year and almost at my third, I realise that while I was running from home, I didn’t figure out where I was running to.

Here, everything I did was only limited what I felt like doing and being financially separate from my mother is the biggest freedom I’ve had. That, and the absence of her voice. I was never one for guilt or any of the like. I figured out long ago that her methods to trick me into thinking her unhappinesses were from my shortcomings were total BS. It is so liberating to be away from that cave where the self-chained beast was. She accused others of not getting the most out of life while she wasted her years at home, always too weak or to stupid or too old to improve her situation for herself. Here I am. I’m learning more about myself within these past two months than I have for the past eighteen years from her telling me what I am and what’s wrong with me. I made it without her.

Here, I can decide what I like and what I can wear and who I’m friends with and write and read whenever I’d like. Here, I can look inside rather than be constantly reminded of my outside. Now, I can look forward rather than back. I can focus more on what I want to do tomorrow rather than how to get through today. That’s not to say that this hasn’t come with its own growing pains but I love it. You can make it too.

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